Few people I know are coming out of the past 3 years the same people they were on the way in. Almost everyone I know has experienced highs, lows, and wildly unpredicted changes to the life they once knew. I’m no different. There have been times that have made me question my personal choices, my professional choices, and occasionally, my sanity.
A couple of months ago, any sense of security I started to regenerate was shattered by a school shooter at the university that’s been part of my life for ALL of my life. I grew up 10 minutes away, I earned 4 degrees here, and my entire career has been connected to the MSU campus. This shooter, with no connection to the university at all so far as anyone knows, walked into one of the few constants in my life and left death and devastation in his wake.
Thankfully, I’ve learned some things courtesy of the pandemic. As hard as COVID was and as devastating as the shooting’s aftermath has been, I’m not letting either horrific tragedy get the best of me. Like everyone around me, I’ll grieve what has been lost, but I’m not setting up camp in that grief.
I’ve learned to slow down and taken a hard look at things I have been trying to “outrun” or avoid through the better part of a lifetime. Over scheduling and fear of failure were big, as was losing myself in an attempt to please others. I’ve decided that in spite of everything (and as always) I’m going to find something positive from all of this. Life is far too short.
Like many, I’ve been riding a wave of uncertainty for 3 years. More like 4 if you count the (literal) young horse in the mix. Truthfully, though, I’ve realized I don’t love riding young horses, because many are all uncertainty most of the time. It’s great for those that enjoy it…but it’s not for me.
At the same time, though, life is and has always been uncertain. We might find safety in trying to control our environment, but it can all change in the blink of an eye regardless. One minute you’re coasting along, comfortable in your nicely bedded, 12 x 12 box stall, and the next you’ve been literally kicked “out of the box stall” to stand in the rain and wonder what happened. And you’ve got roughly three choices…you can stay in one spot and ask why, you can lay down and quit, or you can let life show you something better. Sure, you might get cold and wet and miserable in the process, but keep going. It can’t (and won’t) rain forever. When the young horse has more time or you find a more suitable option, you won’t take it for granted for one second. Because you’ll know it can all change in an instant. The best you can do is enjoy each moment as it happens, and be as kind as possible, even to yourself. Those are the only true certainties in life.
By Karen L. Waite, Ph. D.
Earlier this year I was speaking at a (pre Pandemic) Horse industry conference and afterwards a young person asked…”how did you learn to be ok with not winning? “
My first response? I was a bit flabbergasted. I stumbled for a minute, because if we’re being totally honest, I’ve never been “OK” with not winning. I LOVE winning. It’s so much better than the alternative! Since I was 12 years old, I’ve recognized that competition motivates me like few other things. Unfortunately, with age I’ve also realized that fear of failing also seemed to motivate me just as much, for a decade (or four).
Once I regrouped and asked a few more questions, I realized that this young lady’s real question was more about how I learned not to beat myself up, and how I learned to be willing to fail at things that I really, really wanted to be good at. Like Reining after 40 years of all-around events, or in her case, at the fair or open show.
With some reflection I realized that to get good at anything, you have to take some risks and be willing to “embrace the suck” and do it for yourself and not the approval of others. As an example, I started CrossFit a year and a half ago, long after this blog was called Out of the BOX Stall. (God does have a sense of humor.) For the first 6 months I promised myself I’d go 3 days a week, and I’d plan to be awful every. Single. Time. And I did. And after 6 months I was 20 lbs. lighter and a whole lot stronger physically and mentally. If you really want to make a positive difference in the world, you have to try the things that others are afraid try. Be willing to fail, to take risks, and ask difficult questions about yourself. But know that every failure puts you one step closer to a success of some kind.
Having that, it’s important to choose your location wisely…if you need to get through some hard things, it’s probably best for you mentally to do it in a smaller pond before jumping into the ocean. Figure out what you can do with the horse you’ve got (and what you can afford) and work from there. Surround yourself with supportive people as best you can. Try an open or virtual show and work your way back to wherever you want to be.
No, I never stopped wanting to win, but I changed they way I thought about the process of competition, both in the show ring and out, because let’s face it, it sure doesn’t stop once you walk through the out gate. Even if you’re trying to better yourself, others may look at your attempts as a threat. People don’t stop throwing shade just because they’ve reached a certain age, unfortunately, and I’ve also learned that age and maturity are two very different concepts. The bullying never stops…and only your response can change.
Some will “borrow” your work and call it their own, others may try to disprove the things you’ve done not to be helpful but to be hurtful. Some will feel so threatened by what you’re good at, that they’ll do whatever they can to make sure you recognize every single thing you’re NOT good at, or that you screw up. And all of that can “change the shape of your soul” to quote a former First Lady.
The good news, though, is that you (and you alone) can work within the new shape. Eventually you’ll recognize that you don’t need outside approval for inside approval. I’m not saying it’ll be easy to get there, because it won’t. Old habits die hard after all, and when you grow up showing horses you’ve got a deep seated need for outside approval, whether you think you do or not. Blue ribbons and Facebook likes are all part of the same family, sorry to say. But it’s definitely possible to recognize and appreciate how far you’ve come and leave the rest behind. If you’re willing to try.
By Karen L. Waite, Ph.D.
I went to college with a kid who wanted to be a parole officer. He had also been in jail a few times. Some found this odd…I thought it was genius. Who better to understand the thought process of kids in trouble than a kid who had seen some trouble? Likewise, who better to discuss relaxation in the show ring than someone who has studied and practiced every tip imaginable in an effort to keep the wheels on the bus (and the horse on the ground) when it matters most? If you’re one of those people who never gets nervous while showing and has it all figured out, I’m sure you’ve got something better to do with your time. If not, please read on.
First, a couple of points that seem obvious, but we often forget. #1 Your horse is (innately) a prey-driven, herd animal who does not care how much you spent on saddle pads, how many hours you’ve worked overtime to afford those saddle pads, nor how badly you want “it” whatever it is. All they know is they’ll do what they’re trained to do if the circumstances are reasonably familiar to them and there seems to be no threat. If their “human herd mate and hopefully leader” gets physically tense, or feels “different” than usual, there is cause for concern. They make no real distinction between horsemanship pattern, reining run, or pack of hyenas looking for lunch. A threat is a threat, and their natural fight or flight instinct could ignite in a variety of ways, varying from resistance to cues to “PEACE OUT! Which could take the form of bucking, bolting or who knows what else.
Which brings me to #2. Your job in the show ring is to convince your horse that all is well, you’re prepared, and there is no threat. Which means you need to convince yourself of that, and of course, figure out what “prepared” means for your individual pony partner. While there is plenty of fodder for other blog posts in that statement, this article is just going to focus on ways to develop your own ability to relax. If you read the previous post, you know that this ability does not happen at the horse show, nor overnight. It takes awhile, and awhile is different for everyone. (Sorry. It can’t be helped).
While it seems obvious…breathing is pretty critical to surviving, after all, our breathing patterns do change when we’re stressed. It’s probably one of the first things our horses detect when we’re nervous. After all, they’re herd animals and are alert for danger in whatever their current “herd” happens to be. Once our breathing becomes shallow or rapid, our nervous system kicks in and adjusts our physiology in ways that our horse can also detect. Try Box Breathing next time you feel yourself getting anxious or stressed. You can practice in line at the grocery store, the car, and yes on your horse. Inhale deeply for a count of 4, hold for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, inhale for a count of 4, repeat. If you think this is all “airy fairy crap”, the Navy Seals do it too. Ask them if it’s airy fairy crap. I’ll wait.
Just as shallow, rapid breathing tells your horse something in wrong, muscle tension does as well. After all, what do they do right before they bolt? Prepare their muscles. To get ahead of this, practice progressive muscle relaxation. Get a handle on your breathing using the technique described above, then start at your feet, clench your toes tightly and hold, then “let it go”. Once you “let it go”, focus on how that feels. Then progressively work up through your calves, thighs, abdomen and so forth, relaxing each muscle group and noticing the difference. While this sounds easy, one thing we often do as riders, especially in horsemanship or equitation, is tighten our muscles…the trick is to control the muscles without constant tightening telling your horse they should be concerned. Some horses don’t care, but others really do. That is also a post for another day.
Mindfulness meditation has gotten a lot of press lately, and for good reason. It works! While it can be relaxing, it is extremely difficult for many to sit still and focus on breathing, in our fast paced, work worshipping modern world. Many people I know can’t actually meditate because they have “too many thoughts”. While clearing your mind is a nice goal, the truth is that every “unwanted thought” is an opportunity to refocus on your breath and “develop your mental muscle.” The other thing that meditation can do is separate your “thinking brain” and your “feeling brain”, such that you notice when less useful thoughts, emotions, or temptations come up and can stop and redirect them to something more productive. There are plenty of apps to help people learn to meditate. Headspace,10% Happier, and Calm are all good ones to try.
For some people, physical activity can help keep the nerves at bay. Things like feeding at a regular time, cleaning stalls, doing preliminary grooming, class entries, warm ups etc. and just generally keeping predictable pre show or class routines can keep the anxiety to a minimum and give you the chance to move through anxiety. Similarly, giving yourself a regular window of time before and after your class to focus on the matter at hand and debrief after the classes can be useful.
Know yourself (and your horse)
Not all horses will revert to flight behavior when faced with the change in energy that comes with a horse show. If you know you’re a person who tends toward show nerves, selecting an equine partner who is NOT also prone to show nerves is your best bet for the least complicated, most positive experience. A common statement is that “your horse is a reflection of yourself”. While that’s true to a point, I’m not a big fan of the concept, simply because horses come with baggage just as people do, and I don’t need the extra guilt in my life. I’ve got enough of that, thank you very much. If your horse is as prone to show nerves as you are, someone is going to have to develop and execute a plan for managing that anxiety and it’s you, possibly with some professional trainer help. It may also mean hanging out by your trailer, away from the fray, prior to showing, and getting as much sleep as is possible under the circumstances. It just depends on you.
One of my very favorite show horses has taught me more about emotional management, paying attention to what he needed, and doing what was best for both of us, than any other. Chip taught me that when I felt him get uptight, I needed to make myself relax as much as possible, because if I matched his anxiety with my own, a train wreck was sure to follow. While managing his quirks could get exhausting, once the plan was in place, he was one of the most talented and rewarding horses I’ve ever had. (He also made me really appreciate less complicated horses!)
Horse show anxiety can be a huge issue for many. It seems especially common in (but not limited to) women and girls with perfectionist tendencies, who really want to do well in their chosen sport. So essentially 90% of the horse show world, I suppose. It’s also compounded by the belief that if you work hard enough at home, it will just somehow all fall into place. Unfortunately, there is no realistic way to create the horse show atmosphere at home, no matter how much work you do. All we can do is “practice relaxing”, get to know what our horse needs and figure out the best plan for our horses and ourselves. Hopefully something here will help you along that journey.
Karen L. Waite, Ph. D.
One of the least useful phrases in the English language is “just relax”. I can’t think of one time in my life when someone said it when my response was “By golly, you’re right! Why didn’t I think of that?? I’ll just relax and knock this Horsemanship pattern/Reining run/whatever else out of the park.” And yet, we hear it all the time. Sadly though, in our modern world, full of constant information and boredom avoidance tools, “relaxing” is often a foreign concept.
The thing that’s interesting about sports psychology and mental skills training is that while the most successful competitors know they need to control their mind, few recognize that the “mental muscle” needs to be trained and developed just like anything else. And long before we get to the horse show. Would you jump onto a green broke 2 year-old and head for the NRHA Futurity? Hopefully your answer is a resounding NO. Yet why do we so often think that we can perform at our best without doing the work to prepare the actual driver of the bus, the mind?
Many elite athletes say that once you have the motor skills, everything else about sport is mental. Relaxation, visualization, setting good goals, improving self talk, developing useful competition routines, avoiding self handicapping, even getting the most out of practice takes…practice. And every one of those tools is a skill that can be developed with time. But no one ever relaxed by being told to relax.
Of course, it’s obviously not enough to develop JUST mental skills…you DO have to quite literally get on the horse, to work through the physical. You can’t just think about learning to swim, you have to get in the water. For others though, they need to think through and then work through how they’ll handle this, that or the other before it happens, so they feel confident they can deal with whatever comes along. And yes, they ultimately need to practice handling what comes along…both mentally and physically, ideally with a coach or trainer or someone else who can who can watch, make suggestions, appreciate how their client is wired, and guide them through.
Next time, we’ll talk about ways to develop the ability to relax, and why it’s an important skill to call on for both you and your horse.
By Karen L. Waite, Ph.D.
Have you ever wanted to do well at something so badly that everything you do is somehow connected to it? It’s (almost) all you think about, and you plan your free time, budget, living arrangements, wardrobe and hairdo around it? Have you spent more on horse health care, nutrition and shoes than your own? Have you made a house payment to your horse trainer so your horse can live a better life? If your answer is yes to these questions, you probably show horses. If none of this has ever happened to you, then quit reading here, please. I am not your people. But what if you invest every bit of your life into showing horses, get to the horse show, and things don’t go well…not because you didn’t prepare physically, but because you weren’t ready mentally? Take it from the judge in me. The Harris saddle won’t hide the fact that you’re off pattern.
I became interested in sport and performance psychology for many reasons…the main one being that for years, I was the person described above. I was the original AQHA Nervous Amateur and in spite of wanting to do well more than anything, I often tried so hard that I failed. Repeatedly. When you have so much invested in a sport that comes down to 2-5 minutes of performance, it’s easy to 1) be so tense that your horse is also tense and 2) make a mistake or 3 when it counts. Add to that the fact that your teammate is NOT aware of your investment and could really care less, and things can unravel pretty quickly.
Looking for a way to get a handle on “show nerves” I realized that elite athletes in many sports use Sport Psychology techniques and mental performance training (Michael Jordan, Tom Brady, anyone? They seem legit). I started exploring, mainly for my own benefit, and later because I became very interested in the things that people will do with and TO horses in the name of competition. Before I knew it, I had a doctorate focused on sport psychology in equestrian sport.
To say that I have it all figured out would be a lie. I still get nervous and screw up sometimes, especially now that I’ve started Reining. Now I’m a rank beginner again AND I can screw up faster and with even more enthusiasm! I still get butterflies in my stomach, but can do some things to get them to fly in formation, at least. I have some tools in the tool box to patch things up, and hopefully this blog will let me loan you a tool when you need it.
By Karen Waite
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…it was Facebook. I have a love hate relationship with Facebook, and lately (and by that I mean for the last 5-7 years) it’s been much more hate than love. Between western pleasure, politics, and pandemics, it’s easy to forget why on earth anyone would spend 2 minutes on Facebook. And then it’s your birthday.
This year’s Facebook Birthday Festivities just hit me differently for some reason. I mean, they’re always a good way to remember friends and feel the love, but this year as I scrolled through the well wishes, I was struck by how many people I could connect to horses. Easily 90% and very likely more. Almost every single memory of the person wishing me a Happy Birthday included a horse…and/or experiences related to horses…and most of them were absolutely fantastic, “in real life” memories.
There were people I showed in 4-H with, and folks who supported me in my early days of PHBA and AQHA All-Around shows. There were also people I’ve met during more recent forays into reining and cow horse shows. As a result of my “day job” there were people from around the country and around the world, each connected to a different breed or discipline. Arabian people, Standardbred people, Draft Horse types and more. People who’ve made a career of researching horses and horse health, and people I’ve judged shows with and for. Former horse judging team members who have made life long friendships, and people I’ve just met in the past couple of years.
I was left feeling so very blessed to have a life that was and is full of horses, and in spite of the fact that sometimes “horse people” can be difficult, as I’ve always said, they’re really the best kind of people.
Even during a pandemic, or during the winter when events have slowed down, there’s no question that horses take us places. Even if it’s just in our memories of the past and dreams for the future.
If you’ve been involved with showing horses for any length of time, you’ve struggled at one point or another. Something you want to do isn’t going right, something you want the horse to do isn’t going right, and you look at everyone else and it all seems to come pretty easily (not accurate, they’ve struggled too, but we’re talking about you. Or possibly me.)You may even think…this is too much, it’s not fun, I’m no good and I’m quitting. At this point, you may be expecting me to say that’s not a good idea. NOPE. I’m not going to.
Sometimes it IS a good idea to take a step back. Rest and rejuvenation is an important part of a healthy life, after all. What you do with that regrouping time matters, though. You can’t sit on the couch and beat yourself up, or ruminate on how terrible things are forever. Maybe for a day or two, but not forever. That won’t help. But you can rest. Reassess the landscape. Figure out what might be going wrong…or at least what might improve the situation…and devise a new plan. It could be you need a new route, a new goal, a different set of eyes, or something as small as changing how or what you ask of the horse (or yourself) and when. If you’re not interested in changing your goal, it could even be that you may have the wrong horse for that particular time in your journey. Doesn’t make it a bad horse, just makes it the wrong one right then. And that horse could eventually be the right one.
We’ve all had some downtime this year…in some cases, it often seemed like WAY too much. But it’s also possible to use this time to our future advantage. Personally, I realized that I was actually filling my time with way too much before “this” started, which made it hard to focus on what matters most, or to even figure out what that might be. We have some time now to develop new dreams (or reformulate plans for the old ones), to figure out where the “holes in our skill sets” are, and to look ahead at how we’ll fill them.
The dumpster fire that is 2020 won’t last forever, although some of the fallout may linger for a very long time. There are clearly bad things happening, and consequences we haven’t even fully realized as yet. If you work in healthcare or other essential jobs, you’re exhausted and need and deserve rest simply to survive.
But for others, we might be able to use this time to our advantage…to think about what we want to let go of, what we want to keep and how to get where we want to be going forward.
After all, if we can adjust our attitudes and find hope and resilience after this year, it seems as though we could be unstoppable.
I shared this meme about steak sauce the other day, and 1) it made me laugh really hard, which like many, I needed and 2) it got me thinking. In one of this country’s darkest hours, human ingenuity found a solution to a problem (yes, I know why this steaksauce was created, and no, I don’t want to think about THAT part). But more importantly, this solution still exists, people still use it, and get some value from it even now. (By the way, if you created this thing first, let me know because you need credit! This is gold!)
There are things I’ve been thinking of doing for years, that I’ve never had (or made) the time for. Things that I believe could help improve people’s experience in the horse industry, or even just their lives in general. But let’s get real…there are far more things slowing me down than time:
“I need to learn how to do this perfectly, before doing it at all.”
“What if people don’t like it?”
“Some people will say really mean things about it, probably all over social media.”
That last one is absolutely a given🙄.
The list goes on and on. But I’ve come to the conclusion that the first version of A1 probably isn’t the same as the current one, there are still people who think it’s the devil’s handiwork, and some may even argue about it on social media.
But that doesn’t stop the company from sharing this yummy, life improving sauce, now does it?
Maybe the best use of one’s time during a pandemic isn’t to stress and stew about the state of things, but rather, to look for and use the valuable skills we’ve learned in the last 8 months. There are some somewhere, and they’re probably quite useful. One of the biggest things I’ve learned, for example, is that sometimes we have to keep going, even when things aren’t perfect. Good enough is better than not at all…and we can work our way to something close(r) to our definition of perfect on the fly. As my friend Joe often says, “drive on.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not interested in shaming anyone who is just trying to keep their head above water into feeling like they have to create the next yummy steak sauce…what I’m saying is that personally, I’d like to bring some things to life.
And if you don’t like the things I try, that’s fine. You’re probably a much better cook than I am, and you don’t need them anyway…although if you’ve got time to shame ME on social media, there is likely something more productive you could do. Because what I don’t have time to is worry much about that…I’ve got some sauce to make.
By Karen L. Waite, Ph.D.
The first blog post I ever wrote was “The Five Myths of Horse Judging”. At the time, I don’t think I had a specific plan for what this blog would really be “about”, I just knew that I had something to say and that I wanted to help exhibitors develop a better understanding of what judges are trying to do, and how they (exhibitors) could improve. Typically, my inspiration comes from personal experience, but sometimes (probably more times than I’d like to admit), it comes from social media. This post is one of those.
It’s not unusual for me to wake up on a Sunday (or Monday), check Facebook, and see one of those posts from an exhibitor along the lines of “we were at a show and the judge did or said XYZ.” It’s usually not good and not surprisingly, the thread often devolves into something that is a far cry from what was really intended or said, but hey. Social media is like that, unfortunately. Usually, I throw in my 2 cents and carry on about my day.
For some reason. This morning’s episode hit me differently. Maybe it was because one of my students started his judging career yesterday. I know how much preparation he put in, how excited he was to be there, and getting the text after the fact saying that he LOVED it will be a career highlight for me. Maybe it was having my own young horses starting to show and analyzing score sheets like it was my job. (Slow your roll, lady. It’s NOT your job today.) Maybe it was hearing about veteran judges who made unfortunate mistakes that caused show managers problems. I don’t know, but I do know this…judging ain’t easy, to steal a hashtag from those who are “mommin”.
Sometimes people have the impression that judges pop out of bed looking forward to a day of making children cry, parents angry, and horses wish for a career change. I’m here to tell you, we don’t. Judging is mentally and physically difficult, and believe it or not, no one is getting rich doing it. If you have multiple cards you need to keep up with multiple rulebooks, and attend multiple conferences that sometimes cost more than you’ll make in a year of judging. If you are judging open shows, you need to understand multiple breed standards that may be vastly different from your own favorite, and just when you think you’ve got it licked, someone comes flying in on a world champion racking Walkaloosa Mule. Yep, you’d better learn to appreciate that, too. You often spend hours finding patterns for people and horses you’ve never seen, and more hours on your feet in the sun while exhibitors sit in the shade analyzing YOUR every move. Everything that can slow a show or go wrong at a show conveniently becomes your fault. You’re an easy target, and more often than not you’re not there to defend yourself.
Rereading that paragraph does beg the question, though. “Why do it then?” I suppose I can only share my own motivations and not speak for every judge in the world. But I do know a lot of judges and as best I can tell, it’s because we love it. We want to give back to an industry that gave so much to us. We love watching great horses and riders, and we love seeing newbies develop into superstars. We still get butterflies when we step in the pen just like exhibitors do. All we want is to do a good job, and leave feeling as though we made a positive contribution to something larger than ourselves. Once in a while we might make a mistake, and for some of us, we beat ourselves up for weeks when we do. )OK, that’s probably just me.) Typically, however, if we can explain our placings to the grandmas on the fence, we can leave with that “judges high” that makes us look forward to the next event.
Judging ain’t easy, but it sure is worth it.
(Reboot 😊, but the timing seems right)
This one is for the ones who are just getting started, or even those who’ve been at it awhile, but can’t quite figure out how to get better. The ones who go horse shows weekend after weekend, place 5th or 6th or 8th if they place at all, but keep telling themselves not to quit because they love it and someday it will come together for them. While that may be true, as the saying goes, “if you do what you always do, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.” Not to mention the fact that sometimes people in this bracket blame judges, industry trends and the world in general for their misfortune. So here are a few tips to speed up the process from average to excellent.
1. Cones Matter-In pattern classes, the side of the cone you’re on throughout the run absolutely matters. When learning patterns, make sure you know what side to be on at all times. Also make sure you execute transitions between your horse’s muzzle and shoulder…anything later is too late, anything sooner too early. If a turn at a cone is involved, determine where best to stop to execute the next maneuver.
2. Leads Matter-Know your leads, and if your horse takes off on the wrong one, FIX IT. None of this awkwardness thinking the judge doesn’t see you. They do. Better yet, learn to set your horse up to take the correct lead before departing at all.
3. Diagonals Matter-Just like leads, learn to take the correct diagonal and if you don’t, switch to the correct one ASAP. This will factor into your placings in Equitation especially, but it’s a good rule of thumb regardless.
4. Your horse’s condition matters-Even in those classes where the horse is more of a prop to demonstrate your skills, their overall health and condition matters. In addition to the fact that an underweight horse looks bad for the show industry, a thin horse may have a more difficult time handling the stresses that naturally come with showing. Understand body condition, and how to safely add (or remove) weight as needed.
5. YOUR condition matters too! Comb your hair and make sure your clothes fit and your hat is clean and shaped. Showing a horse is a bit like a job interview…and that means putting your best foot forward and making a good impression. Ask for help from someone who seems to have it together if you’re not sure on this one. Bobby pins and Aqua-Net-like substances are the unsung heros of horse showing for all involved.
6. Thinking Matters as Much (or More) Than Riding-When you’re first starting to show or even ride, you’re often just glad if you achieve the basics without an accident. If you walk, jog and lope and stay on throughout, sometimes that’s a win in itself. But after that, you’re going to need to learn to develop two things: ring etiquette and strategy. And both of these things require the ability to think about more than just yourself. Learn how to safely pass other horses, and think about what you’re doing while doing it. Actually ride your horse, and strategize when you’ll ask for what in a pattern class.
I recognize that showing horses can be stressful, but learning to manage that stress and think through what you’re doing is what makes the difference between the middle of the pack and the top.